I want to share something that is bringing up a lot for me right now.
Not all the time at everything, but sometimes at some things. When this happens I generally am more affected by the reaction of those around me than I am by my own reaction. Mostly because my own reaction tends to be quite loving and soft. I am gentle with myself as much as I can be and it has taken many years to cultivate this loving attitude toward myself. And generally, I am quite gentle and loving with others. Before I was this way toward myself, I was not always able to be this way toward others. I care way too much about what others think and how they react, especially those close to me, and I let it affect me WAY too much. I know I forgive myself, I know that when I fail, I only truly incur negative energy if give up or am blind to the reason why I failed. Sometimes I fail because whatever I was trying to do would not have served my greatest purpose here on Earth and was ultimately just a distraction from my path.
Two years ago I busted my ass in a 63 hour real estate class that ended with the hardest exam I have ever taken. Many people fail two and three times before they get the 70 out of 100 questions correct that are required to be licensed in Florida. I gave everything I had, all my time, all my energy, my all, and I walked out of those two weeks of work and exams feeling amazing because I did not fail. I passed. I knew I could, and I truly thought at that time that a career in real estate was what I wanted.
I thought that because my life was in shambles. I was not happy at my job, my relationship was on the fritz, I was living in a home that was being rented to me and yet was also being foreclosed on, I was trying to make a choice that would create stability for my family. Was I filled with joy at the prospect of being a real estate agent? No. Not at all. Did I think I could do it to help my family have what they want? Yes. So, I gave it my all. And, I passed. And, I did nothing with my license for two years because, as I have learned once again, I cannot do anything that is not in alignment with my highest purpose here on planet Earth. And, that path was not.
But, because I thought that I should probably at least keep my license active, I decided a week ago, that I should probably take the 45 hour post license class and exam so that my license would not be revoked... just in case I could be a referral agent if that situation ever presented itself. So, last week, among all the other responsibilities that I have in my life right now I thought, "why not throw one more iron in the fire!".
I mean, I'm only doing online school with two of my three children, nourishing and caring for one infant, I only have one child in public school, I'm only organizing one free market for my community to enrich and grow together while we help each other and hopefully find a tribe of like minded humans, I am only starting one cultured beverage business right now, I only have one house to take care of, one dog, and two cats. I only have one relationship that I am devoted to becoming the best version of myself for so that I can be the best partner for. I am only cooking almost all the meals for a family of six, doing almost all the cleaning and laundry and day to day work that it takes to run a house of six humans and four pets (oh I forgot to mention the only one fish that we have here too). Since my partner is almost exclusively the breadwinner and works two jobs, I am almost exclusively the one taking care of almost everything else. So why not think that I can go to school to be an alternative medicine doctor,? Why not think that I can cram for a 45 hour class and exam in three or four days? Why not?
Because I'm not superhuman. And. Because. I. Fail.
And, I failed last night as I was racing the clock to finish an exam that I didn't even really want to take because I don't even really want to be a realtor because I don't really understand anything about how buying and selling land makes any sense. I don't see imaginary lines on the Earth, places that are "worth" more than others etc etc etc. I am thankful to those that are realtors and are passionate about what they do. But, I am not passionate about devoting my life to that, and that's okay.
It's okay for me to fail at something I don't even want. I actually laughed at myself when I saw the final score of 60/100 and needed 75/100 to pass because I had a brief flash back of the past few days of trying to study while my children were running in and out of the house with multiple friends, counseling appointments, a sick baby, driving to Tampa to buy bottles for my new business, purchasing labels, a website, schooling online with Raven and Imani and everything else. I laughed to myself because I waited two years to take a test that I didn't want to take, and ended up taking it because I was afraid that if I didn't I would be failing at something. And, of course, I failed anyway. Because I didn't want it. Because it wasn't in my soul. But man I felt like shit thinking about how my family would look at me for being so irresponsible and for failing to prepare and failing to take the class earlier and for failing failing failing at everything else I have failed at in my life.
I love myself and am okay with my failures because they have taught me where my heart truly sits and which direction fuels my soul most.
My fear of my family thinking I was failing was why I decided I should do it. The fear of my family thinking I am a failure is like a black hole in my soul. I don't want to care so much about what others think of me and I am not sure that it is in my best interest to care so much, so in my most recent failure I have discovered that I am being asked to open to my own love and acceptance being enough for me. Afterall, I am the only one inside this silly skin suit and I am really the only one I have to hear think...
And you know what? I think I am a pretty cool chick. I think I do procrastinate and sometimes it
actually serves me, if not, I always learn from it. I think I handle the responsibilities and irons in my fire with grace for the most part. I think I am a really good mother. A good community member. A woman who loves herself and is devoted to her conscious evolution. A woman who loves her partner with all her heart and is devoted to his conscious evolution as well. I think I am doing a good job right now. One. Breath. At. A. Time.
<3 - Mama Lauren Isis Love
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